Resources for Families

Important things to know if someone you know is sexually assaulted

Here are some things that victim/survivors have indicated are supportive responses from people close to them. These are guidelines; they can help let the survivor know that you care and that you want to be supportive. Think of it as basic first aid: it probably won't "fix" it, or make the trauma disappear, but it can help the survivor feel less isolated and more safe or supported.

Communicate these points:

I'm sorry that it happened.
I'm glad you survived.
It's not your fault.

Power and Control

Sexual abuse takes away the victim's power and control. Afterwards, the survivor should be allowed to be in control and to make her own decisions. Even if you don't like the decisions she makes, and even if they're not the choices you would have made, you can best support the survivor's healing by supporting their decisions.

Self-blame and Guilt

Many survivors blame themselves for the abuse. Tell them over and over again that no matter what they did, it was not their fault. They did not commit a crime; the assailant did. No one asks or deserves to be raped.

If they feel guilty for not fighting back, tell them that no matter what they did when they were raped, they acted in the best manner they could. Fear often paralyzes people. Sometimes it feels safer to "cooperate" or submit to an assault; this does not make her a willing participant. Submission does not equal consent. They did what she needed to do to survive.

Just ask

Ask the survivor how they want to be treated, especially when doing anything that may violate their personal space. Even if you mean well and want to offer comfort, remember that the person who assaulted them took away their control over their body. They may not want to be touched or accompanied; if they do, they can let you know when you ask. For example: "Would you like me to come with you? Do you want a hug right now?"

Listen

Be a good listener. Be non-judgmental and non-blaming. You weren't there; the survivor is the only one who knows what it was like.

Provide information, not advice

Assist them in getting the help they want and need. This may mean providing phone numbers, transportation, information, etc. Provide them with accurate information about options and resources, but let them make the final decision about what to do, who to talk to and when.

You may need support, too

Talk to someone else about your feelings about the rape. Sexual assault can also be traumatic for the friends, families, partners, and others close to the victim. You deserve support, too. You can call your local rape crisis center for support.

Help is available for you. Please call the IOWA SEXUAL ABUSE HOTLINE 1-800-284-7821.